steps

here comes the next step. Another year of college, it would seem normal to most, but ... its not. it doesnt feel normal, feels pushed, out of place. but here i am, doing this thing called life, and trying to make sense of why i do what i do. im at this place right now, where i get so confused all of the time, and im never sure of what i want to do, who i want to be with, and where i should be. too many unsure things. i wish, soo badly that i knew the next steps. haaa, what am i saying, i would hate life like that. i love spontaneity, and rash decisions. but, for now, i guess im gonna have to settle for normal. monotonous. and , i so badly want to be ok with that. taking a trip, thinking that its the thing that is going to help me figure out whats going on, or what im doing. stupid to think like that? i feel like sometimes it takes getting out of your bubble and comfort zone to see whats really going on. i think i see that i havent been me, been trying to be happy, or some version of that, and not get confused, but keep going as if everything is ok, and i can handle it all. but NO, i cant do that anymore. i hate fakeness, and i dont want to be anymore. i want to live out who i am. treat people the way i know i should, say the right things, not just what i want to say. I have to be me, and thats a womans reflection in the bridegroom Christ. I am a lover, always have been, and i cant keep trying to fill that spot with unworthy candidates. i must stop. listening to my friend talking about love, and the beauty of jesus. and then hearing the guitar chords of another friend in the other room, it was as if peace and a feeling of refuge came over me. i need that, peace,and refuge, and i have to stop thinking that its a place that is that. It a person. a spirit, and i have to stop going going going to find that. i have to stop.

blasted with fire

Far Far: Yael Naim

Far far, there's this little girl
she was praying for something to happen to her
everyday she writes words and more words
just to spit out the thoughts that keep floating inside
and she's strong when the dreams come cos' they
take her, cover her, they are all over
the reality looks far now, but don't go

How can you stay outside?
there's a beautiful mess inside
how can you stay outside?
there's a beautiful mess inside
oh oh oh oh

Far far, there's this little girl
she was praying for something good to happen to her
from time to time there are colors and shapes
dazzling her eyes, tickling her hands
they invent her a new world with
oil skies and aquarelle rivers
but don't you run away already
please don't go oh oh

How can you stay outside?
there's a beautiful mess inside
how can you stay outside?
there's a beautiful mess inside
Take a deep breath and dive
there's a beautiful mess inside
how can you stay outside?
There's a beautiful mess
beautiful mess inside

Oh beautiful, beautiful

Far far there's this little girl
she was praying for something big to happen to her
every night she hears beautiful strange music
it's everywhere there's nowhere to hide
but if it fades she begs
"oh lord don't take it from me, don't take it"

She says, "I guess I'll have to give it birth
to give it birth
I guess, I guess I have to give it birth
I guess I have to, have to give it birth
there's a beautiful mess inside and it's everywhere

Just look at yourself now
deep inside
deeper than you ever dared
deeper than you ever dared
there's a beautiful mess inside
beautiful mess inside

RELATIONSHIP

relationship, feels like something that everyone wants, all the time, the feeling of being longed for. to know that someone really cares about you and wants to know who you are and treat you like an important person. deep, intimate real relationship is so rare, i think that people treat relationships with such callous, like its something so normal and easy to have. so people just jump into something quick and bare themself so quick, and sometimes it can be ok. but most of the time, its not right and people get hurt with they lack of judgement. it hurts to see people around me in relationships that i know wont last. i want that for all of them, and myself. its such a thing of beauty, real, true honest relationship, selfless, loving the other more than yourself.

new life

so here it is, the first writting of a virgin blogger. will i write interesting things? well, we shall see..