steps

here comes the next step. Another year of college, it would seem normal to most, but ... its not. it doesnt feel normal, feels pushed, out of place. but here i am, doing this thing called life, and trying to make sense of why i do what i do. im at this place right now, where i get so confused all of the time, and im never sure of what i want to do, who i want to be with, and where i should be. too many unsure things. i wish, soo badly that i knew the next steps. haaa, what am i saying, i would hate life like that. i love spontaneity, and rash decisions. but, for now, i guess im gonna have to settle for normal. monotonous. and , i so badly want to be ok with that. taking a trip, thinking that its the thing that is going to help me figure out whats going on, or what im doing. stupid to think like that? i feel like sometimes it takes getting out of your bubble and comfort zone to see whats really going on. i think i see that i havent been me, been trying to be happy, or some version of that, and not get confused, but keep going as if everything is ok, and i can handle it all. but NO, i cant do that anymore. i hate fakeness, and i dont want to be anymore. i want to live out who i am. treat people the way i know i should, say the right things, not just what i want to say. I have to be me, and thats a womans reflection in the bridegroom Christ. I am a lover, always have been, and i cant keep trying to fill that spot with unworthy candidates. i must stop. listening to my friend talking about love, and the beauty of jesus. and then hearing the guitar chords of another friend in the other room, it was as if peace and a feeling of refuge came over me. i need that, peace,and refuge, and i have to stop thinking that its a place that is that. It a person. a spirit, and i have to stop going going going to find that. i have to stop.